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Bagenders Episode 2 By Inwai and Ololay Dedicated to Mr. Bachner for fixing my computer so I could update A Big Apple for Second Breakfast On the plane to New York City, Legolas vowed never to take a trip with the rest of the Fellowship ever again. Ever. It was a nightmare. Aragorn had been muttering steadily about how flying was "unnatural". Gimli had fallen asleep, and began to snore so loudly that many people thought the engines had exploded. Frodo kept complaining about how airline food was making everyone, particularly Aragorn, fat. Gandalf was harassing the stewardesses. Sam was boredly kicking Legolas through the seat. Meanwhile, Merry and Pippin were angry that the woman with the drink trolley wouldn't give them any beer. "I'm sorry, but you're clearly not of drinking age. I'm sure your parents would punish you if they were here right now-" "We're not children!" Merry said, furious. "Yeah! We're little people!" chimed in Pip. "Really," the woman was getting very annoyed. "In that case, please show me some form of identification." Merry and Pippin looked at each other. They knew that they were wanted criminals. Their faces had even been in the paper. It was freedom or beer. They both considered this for a minute. To Pippin, the answer was too obvious. He began to reach for his ID when Merry kicked him. Hard. "Fine, we'll both just have water, then, thank you," he said with forced politeness. She handed it to them and left quickly. Merry turned to his friend. "What, in the name of all things intoxicating, were you thinking? Do you want to get us arrested again?" "But I want BEER!" Pip moaned. Merry sighed. "I know, but remember that one time we were caught on the run from the law? That time with the lime jell-o and the donkey? You were drowned and I was hanged!" "Yes, but we got better." "That's not the point!" "Then what is the point?" Merry had to think about this one for a minute. "You know how jails are these days. No women. We wouldn't be able to put the leftovers to use." "Oh yeah. Good point." *********** Legolas, meanwhile, was trying to calm Aragorn down. "It's perfectly normal. Thousands of people do it every day." "Thousands of people use microwaves every day, too. Idiots. Don't they know that radiation kills?" Legolas rolled his eyes. This was going to be a long flight. "Pray tell me, Aragorn, what airplanes and microwaves have to do with each other." "New technology. Dangerous new technology. It'll be the death of men!" "You said that about bagpipes, too, when they were first invented." "Well, they are dangerous! You could make someone go deaf, or even kill them!" "Aragorn, please. You had one bad experience, and they had only just been invented. People hadn't learned to use them yet. You shouldn't hold a grudge. There are plenty of excellent pipers these days." "Oh yeah?" Aragorn would not be defeated. "Name one." Legolas paused. "I'm sure that someone, somewhere can play the bagpipes well. I think. Anyway, why don't you tell me what happened with Frodo?" Cue a swell of dramatic music, the scene dissolves into a flashback. "That's your cunning plan? That's the worst thing I've heard since Aragorn tried to attack Jerusalem by flying a kite painted with "Doom has come!" over the city when we trying to sneak in!" "Hey! It was a pretty kite!" "Och, you're a hobbit. You wouldn't know a cunning plan if it painted itself blue and danced naked on a harpsichord singing 'Cunning plans are here again'!" "No, he'd be too caught up trying to shag it!" Operation: Hobbit Rescue was underway. With no little arguing and abuse, the Land rover pulled into the parking lot of Happydale Sanitarium. There was a quick huddle. "All right, everyone know the plan? Merry, Pippin, you've got fifteen minutes to cause a distraction and get to Frodo. Give us the signal. We'll be under the window." "Go team!" "What?" "Sorry, the huddle reminded me of rugby." *********** Pippin walked to the front desk with a spring in his step, and a portable karaoke machine in his hand. Completely ignoring the startled receptionist, he hopped onto the desk and said in his best MC voice: "Ladies and Gentlemen! I'd like to announce this one-time-only performance by the celebrated Rachel White! And without further ado: Miss Independent!" He struck a dramatic pose, and grabbed the microphone. No one noticed when Merry stole the patient list and snuck down the corridor. "Frodo, its me, Merry!" Frodo looked up from his book. Why was Merry here? Was he hallucinating? No, he didn't see any burning eyes. "Come on, Frodo, we're here to get you out! We're leaving England!" He walked to the window, and attached the red flag to a bar. Down below Gimli saw the flag. Aragorn turned on the ignition and sped across the manicured lawn, paying no attention to shrubberies in the way. Meanwhile, Pippin had move on to an emotional rendition of "Beautiful". By this time he had gathered quite an audience. Several patients, worryingly including one dressed as Napoleon, had joined in. The staff knew they should stop this, but it seeming fairly harmless and was much better entertainment than they usually got. Besides, the crazy short man didn't seem to be going anywhere soon. ************* Aragorn backed up under the window. Gimli's contraption pulled the bars apart - not far, but enough for a hobbit. Frodo jumped out first, and was caught in the rubber sheet. After a minute, Merry followed. Pippin ran out the front doors when he heard the beep, trailing a crowd. He executed a flying leap into the open trunk. In high heels, that was a jump to rival Beren's. There was much backslapping and cheering as they sped to the airport. Frodo tapped Aragorn on the shoulder. "Now, will someone please tell me what is going on?" ********* "So, that's what happened." "I see. But won't the nurses notice that he's gone?" "Legolas, don't you have any faith in me?" "No." ********** The nurse who came to check on Frodo that afternoon had a nasty surprise. Mr. Baggins was nowhere to be found. Upon closer examination she saw a scarecrow with a dark brown mullet wig, holding a sign. "The spider finally got me" ****************** As soon as they got of the plane, Legolas noticed a slight flaw in their plan. “Where are we going to stay tonight? We’re not due to meet the Twins until tomorrow.” Merry and Pippin grinned evilly at each other. For the first time in their lives, they had thought ahead when Legolas hadn’t. “We’ve already made reservations somewhere,” said Merry. The color drained from Aragorn’s face. “We are NOT staying in some sort ofÖofÖbrothel!” “Oh, no. Of course not. Their rates were way too high. Besides, this place much nicer. It’s the place, you know, with the famous woman, with the blonde hair and big jugs.” “Huh? Pamela Anderson?” “No, smaller.” “Oh, Paris Hilton.” “That’s the one.” Legolas was skeptical, but the prospect of staying in an upscale hotel in a city where the Fellowship was normal compared to everyone else was inviting. Plus, the time change was making him sleepy. So after hailing two cabs, and surviving a harrowing, over-priced ride, they arrived at the Hilton in Times Square. “Look, Pip, I don’t think he really could have asked us to subjugate the moobs.” “Well, I dinnae understand a word he said. It wasnae my fault Aragorn started a military anecdote.” Further discussion of their cab driver's interesting accent was halted as they stepped into the lobby. “Well, we’re here.” **************** Will tall towers give Frodo flashbacks? What will Sam think about Central Park? Will Merry and Pippin realize that Paris Hilton doesn’t actually live at her hotels? Why is Gandalf being so normal? And what was Aragon’s bad experience with bagpipes? Find out in the next episode. ***************** Authors' notes: Merry mentions that he was hanged. This is taken from Dom's new show, "Lost", in which he gets hanged. He really does get better, though. "We got better." -Monty Python and the Holy Grail We want to say that we LOVE bagpipes. Which is why they were mentioned in this episode. There is one good bagpiper in the world. Craig Downie. (Go to www.enterthehaggis.com right now!) He's got cute knees. And he sings a song about a guy who doesn't wear pants. "You wouldn't know a cunning plan if it painted itself blue and danced naked on a harpsichord singing 'Cunning plans are here again'!" -Blackadder "How to subjugate the moobs" What Inwai thought Elyse said she learned in English. She doesn't have an accent, Inwai has listening issues. |