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Bagenders Episode 1 part 2
By Inwai and Ololay Dedicated to Oeljay, who claims he is Alex, because he's nice and we make him suffer. And he has a sicker sense of humor than we do. Into the West: Part 2 Frodo had been in many insane asylums over the millennia, and he had to admit that this clinic was a great improvement over the dungeons and exorcism chanting of the church-sponsored one where he had spent most of the crusades. The plumbing was certainly a plus. When he had returned to sanity after being installed, he had been looking forward to a few relaxing weeks away from the fellowship, especially time to read his romance novels. Frodo had a secret vice: Nora Roberts. No one in the fellowship would understand. Merry, Pippin and Gandalf made rude comments, Aragorn said they were girly, Legolas said they were trash, and Sam and Gimli just raised their eyebrows and said they weren't practical. But for Frodo they were comforting, and there were always some around a place like this. Frodo had the routine down pat. Give the doctors time to look at his record and decide they didn't really want to deal with him. Charm the nurses with his kind harmlessness. And enjoy his vacation. He was usually out before the fellowship got into any truly horrible trouble. ************************* Packing was almost done, with one exception. "If you'll just get up for a second, we can move the chair into this box. See, its got padding, there won't be any damage during shipping...Please Gandalf, just move!" "Not going anywhere!" "Yes, you are. Erestor only agreed to buy the house with the provision you were gone. And there is beer in the kitchen..." Legolas' bribery attempt didn't work as the aforementioned alcohol appeared in Gandalf's hand. His look dared Legolas to come up with a comeback. The brave elf took a deep breath, and made a tactical retreat in the face of overwhelming eau de Gandalf. In the kitchen he found Aragorn sitting on the box that contained the kitchen chairs with the other can of beer, trying in vain to hold on as it was pulled out of the room by magic. "I think I have a plan to get Gandalf out of the house. And maybe even out of my hair. I just need you to drive me to the video store." Aragorn let go of the can. The whiplash caused him to fall onto the floor. "That excuse for a conjurer!" He took a few breaths "There's no way in hell I'm being seen in that place!" "It's okay. Not that video store." ****************** It was evening, and Legolas' plan was being put into action. The fellowship was sat around the television, watching the movie Love Actually. Gandalf had been alternately leering and snoring. But when the cowgirl chicks came on screen he started paying more attention. "Oooo, I just love your accent. What's this?" The British idiot, "A bottle." "Want to come home with us and meet our friend Tasha?" When the movie was over, Legolas stood up. "Remember, we are leaving tomorrow. I expect you to be out the door, with costumes on, at no later than five AM. Galadriel used her influence to us onto a flight, but for it to work, we have to be there on time. So, if -" "How did you get Galadriel to do that? She hates us," Pippin interrupted. "No, she hates you - and that's the answer to your question. I threatened to publish those pictures you took at her last party. She'd never live it down." "Ah, right! Galadriel the Green and Slimy!" Pippin grinned at the memory. "Indeed. The rescue party will meet us at the airport. Gandalf, you'll be dealing with the police, but I suppose you can take care of yourself." "Wait! Actually, I've been thinking and, maybe I'll come, you know, like," He made his voice into the most outrageous accent heard outside of California "Bottle?" ***************** "Presenting Miss Sarah and Miss Rachel White!" Merry and Pippin burst into the kitchen, dressed in matching wigs, short skirts, sweater sets and heels. "So, can you recognize us?" "No, as long as you keep your mouth shut. There may be anti-hair cream, but there isn't anti-fat-bastard cream." Legolas was dressed in sweater and jeans with a ski cap on his head. That was a compromise - he didn't have to cut his hair, but he cringed to think of the hat-hair he'd have upon arrival. Sam was posing as his younger brother, as would Frodo when he was broken out. Aragorn and Gimli looked semi-respectable in business clothes. In return for Legolas dressing like a normal person, Aragorn had agreed to wash, and so he looked a little less like a Viking shoved in a suit than he would have otherwise. Gandalf looked like his normal self, except his wizard hat was now patterned like the union jack. Merry Pippin, Aragorn and Gimli piled into the Landrover carrying assorted equipment, which included some grappling hooks and pulleys, a rubber sheet, and a large number of bananas. Legolas and the remaining members of the fellowship got a taxi and went to the airport. From the start, Gandalf sexually harassed everyone from the security guard to the 80-year-old Madeleine Albright look-alike. Legolas and Sam had a substantial conversation about where they would be living in New York, while simultaneously trying to keep an eye on Gandalf and pretend they had nothing to do with him. Five minutes before the flight started boarding, the rescue party showed up, with a dazed-looking Frodo in tow. Merry had a heel broken off one of his pumps. Legolas walked over to Gimli "So, I see it worked. How did your - " A nearly incomprehensible voice came on the speaker. "Last call, flight 182" "Tell me later" So, like the mighty adventurers they were, the Fellowship of the Ring set off on a new journey. They might not have had a ring of ultimate evil, but there was peril in their path just the same. The peril of trans-Atlantic flights and Manhattan. Will they get caught? Will they get run over my a taxi? Wait and see in the next episode, coming very soon. ******************* Authors' notes We mean no offense to Nora Roberts. We haven't read anything by her, we are just being stereotypical. There is a plot debt to the movie "Love Actually" which we don't own. If you haven't seen it, you might not totally understand Gandalf (though, really, when can you ever?) "There may be anti-winkle cream but there isn't anti-fat-bastard cream." ---The Full Monty Madeleine Albright for those who don't know was the US secretary of State under Clinton. A smart and interesting person, but not someone anyone besides Gandalf would try to proposition. Arnold Schwarzenegger (sp?) lives in California. Need we say more? If you are 10 and don't know what Viagra is.... ummm.... we're not going to tell you. Yes, the ending is a cop out. Sorry. The asylum-break will be in the next episode, where it will hopefully be written better than what we tried for this one, then took out.
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